Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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