I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
