The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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