im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
