I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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