I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
P.S. I can't hear my feet
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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