Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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