please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm bleeding and have questions
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
