I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
