Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
