I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
