My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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