I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
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I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
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We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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