better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
