im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
