when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
