I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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