u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
