Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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