We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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