there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
