she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
