We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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