The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
