Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
