the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
