Umm I'm too high to move.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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