my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
