somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
