Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
