On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I've blown a few things in my day
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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