I'm going to rape someone's good day.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
