You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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