I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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