I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
