I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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