Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
