I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
