Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
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You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
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I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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