i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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