i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Randomize
