I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
