I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
