people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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