Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
