im drinking this country out of the recession.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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