After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
