Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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