Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
