remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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