Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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