I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
