I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
