he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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